hi user, welcome to the black metal corner of my website. I'm going to showcase only the trvest of avtists. Rock on hard bros, happy black metalling! \m/
WITCH CLUB SATAN
i had the unfortunate displeasure of discovering this all-female band through an instagram reel (LMAO, off to a great start ladies) where they touted themselves as a "BLACK METAL" band, and then proceeded to flaunt the fact that their drummer raps and that their guitarist 'moves like elvis' onstage. So, um.. not very black metal? I had a listen to their music and it's dogshit lmao. Their overproduced autistic screaming and the lyrics are awful to listen to. it's basically 'muh muh woman power' and black metal was the medium you chose to convey this message? at least make it GOOD my nigga, your riffs are lame and tired as hell. also there's clean singing lmao. and i dont mean like a cool evil satanic choir or something like that these bitches just start singing a real jolly tune on the track 'Mother'. Let me read you the opening lyrics of 'Hysteria'.. " 
                  You say I'm hysterical?
                  I take that as a COMPLIMENT
                  You see,
                  When I was a kid
                  They told bedtime stories about ARMAGEDDON
                  Still we slept like babies
lmao what a cringefest. oh u a strong woman lol is that why they bitched about Pantera doing a concert in Norway because NOO PROBLEMATIC METAL MUSICIANS NOOOO!!!! Who gonna tell them?? Nigga i bet you half the scene filled with shit people and we still listen to the music cause its good. Halfway through this song the vocalist stops her autismal screeching to talk to the listener. "DEAR SOCIETY, YOU WATCH PORN.. PORN IS LE BAD..." i cracked a smile at that one lol, they unironically addressed "society" like joker xd. can't even do the justice of decent album art, which looks like something an edgy 9 year old would draw after mommy took away the ipad. You call these two-tone blotches of paint and crayon scribbling an album cover?? These bitches think they Drake! They could have totally turned the contrast all the way up on one of their photoshoots and gotten away with it but they had to be artsy and shit, and it just looks like some metalcore cover. Nigga their logo also looks trash, its on par with Goatmoon's logo but somehow ten times worse. Scroll to the gallery, i've made a logo and album art a million times better than what they have. and it took like 5 minutes.
Also, they unironically have remixes of one of their songs posted up on their bandcamp. Not remasters, nigga 'remixes' verbatim, remixes Of a 'black metal' song my nigga you can't make this shit up these hoes saw NCS and thought shit was cool with black metal. Shit even had the name of the person who produced it lol! here, have a listen. its literally electronic mixes of their 'black metal' song. Imagine a collab between Nargaroth and Skrillex, now that would be trve kvlt. Do these retards think different = good? WOW, you're really innovating the black metal sound my nigga.
I've dug into the band members and i dont think any of them have prior experience in metal. these white women just popped up in 2022 with an overproduced song and a music video to go with it like wtf and these bitches got photoshoots for the band with the instagram reel lmao thats how you know they plants. I've read an interview with them and here are the top quotes (in no particular order): 
>"I feel that black metal is a really feminine genre."
>"At its core black metal is punk music; that’s how we see it.”
>Witch Club Satan are powered by female rage and are rewriting the black metal rulebook.
>"After two years of lockdown, we had this explosion that we needed to get out somehow. 
>We found there was only one way to do it, and that was black metal.”
>There was just one problem – they didn’t know how to play the instruments. (lol)
>“I had to learn from this genre, and learn how to find my voice in it,” she explains. 
>“Suddenly I realised it has everything to do with me, and the girls as well.”
Dear Johanna, please stick to being a "trained literary scholar and copywriter". Also, the fuck you got on? This hoe Johanna, who's the vocalist and the drummer, looks like some cosplayer in that gayass getup. Didn't these bitches look into the scene before starting their band? These hoes cant even dress the part.
Next up is Nikoline, the sole guitarist. She owns a company called Lost and Found Productions with Victoria, the bassist. I stumbled upon this youtube video which has already become a hood classic. this was her months before witch club satan was founded lmao. I guess making shitty black metal really does change a you because now she just wears shitty corpse paint. these white women definitely have a long history together. 100% one of them found out about mayhem and wanted to start a band about "FEMIINISM" here ill show you proof! 
 
                  Witch Club Satan is a neo-feminist black metal performance in four acts – a musical, dramatic ritual with an unknown effect. The performance is based on Norway's most important musical export, Black Metal, the power of the genre and its theatrical potency. Black metal is more than a genre of music, it is a world in itself with a rich and vibrant subculture. Although black metal in recent years has moved from the underground to become public property, it is still colored by a history of crime, twisted political attitudes and male dominance. The genre has a buzz of something really dangerous when playing around with dark forces despite its superficial theatricality.
Yeah this is what hoe thinks about black metal AHAHAHA they definitely got off to this one, they even made it their description on Spotify. These bitches couldve been a rock or pop band but i guess they thought that black metal was the best genre to sing about feminism how bad porn is. Wow, so different desu~, i might have to give you an award for being women fighting for women in the male dominated black metal scene. Are you trying to make an ass of yourself? Lol imagine a bm band with introspective lyrics, its equivalent to that. witch club satan is out of their element making black metal, this shit feels more like an outlet for these women to scream their cringe lyrics into a microphone, or a pretentious music project by some art students. And that's literally what it is lol, moar proof incoming. 
                    Lost and Found Productions was founded by Nikoline Spjelkavik and Victoria Fredrikke Schou Røising in 2016. The performing arts duo create original performances constantly exploring the meeting between music and theater. Together with writer Johanna Holt Kleive, they have created the show and the band Witch Club Satan.
Yeah its a project for their cutesy artsy production company. These bitches do photography on instagram (yes thats nikoline and victoria with the stuffed animals lmfao), did youtube, own a theatre company, one of them is a 'trained literary scholar'?? This band was a side project by three bitches who just found out about black metal and it shows by how utterly clueless they are and how shit the music is.

In conclusion, witch club satan is le bad, and you guys should check out Crypta, le good all female black metal band.